Growing up, I always planned to be happily married for 1 year, and then after that happily married and happily mothering. You know, enjoy being a wife for a while and then enjoy being a wife and a mother for the rest of my life. Well, things didn't exactly go that way..they actually didn't go that way AT ALL.
When I found out I was pregnant, I just kept thinking "I don't want my child to grow up in a broken home." I wanted what pretty much every parent wants for their child, a stable two-parent home. I didn't want her to have to travel from house to house or anything that came along with that. I didn't want to drag her through court date drama and the likes of whatever would be attached to that--emotionally, financially, mentally. We had to make it work, not because we were in love, or because we had spent so much of our time, energy and effort together, in this relationship, but because we were having a child, and that child needed both parents under the same roof. The problem with that entire thought process is that I failed to be real with myself. Our relationship was toxic. We didn't need to be together. Although we loved each other with every ounce of love you could give a significant other, we could also hate each other with that same amount. So why would I EVER want our child to have to deal with our toxicity under one roof?
At some point, you have to realize the most important person in the whole situation is the child. Your feelings don't matter, the other parents feelings don't matter. All that matters is the physical, mental and emotional well being of this child. When I was finally strong enough to understand that, I knew it was actually best that she travel from house to house, it was best that we went to court, it was best that we didn't try to force ourselves to make an already toxic relationship work, especially for the sake of a child. Ask yourself if you'd rather have a child in therapy every week because her parents are so fucked up that she can't even think straight at home, or a child that can love both of her parents equally, in separate houses a day or two out of the week. We chose the latter. It means that we get to raise a healthy, happy, emotionally stable young girl into a healthy, happy, emotionally stable, head strong, smart, independent woman.
It's hard at times--really hard. So, if you're battling with yourself on the topic, I want you to know that it can get easier. I can't say that for sure, because every situation is different but I really think that once you both realize that neither of you are as important as the child you are raising, then every relationship/emotional disagreement you have or had won't matter anymore. Eventually, you'll let go, you'll move on, you will release yourself of he weight you were carrying. Your child will give you that strength. THAT I know for sure, because my child gave me that strength. Sometimes I want to punch him in the face, kick him in the balls and stab him in the eye with a pen all at once, and I'm 100% sure he feels the same way about me--or similar since I don't have balls. I complain about him to my mom all the time, I curse him out in my head even more often than that, I send rude text messages from time to time when I feel like he needs to do things differently, or my way, or not at all. Other times I'm like, damn, we are co-parenting but we have our situation together more than some couples that live together or are married with a child or children. We argue, we disagree, we parent differently in a lot of situations, but you pick your battles, and you NEVER let your child see, feel, or hear you when there is a disagreement.
For a very long time we didn't even speak at pick ups and drop offs. But now, we are able to do a family day here and there because it makes Kiyah happy. In my opinion it's important that she knows that even though we aren't together, we both love her, we are always going to be her family, and she's blessed to be able to have two parents. In a few years, she will ask questions and understand that her mommy and daddy don't live in the same house like some of her friends' mommy and daddy, so we'll cross that bridge when we get there. Maybe doing a family day isn't what works for your co-family, but maybe just the ability to be cordial when you are face to face is better than putting a child in an unhealthy home environment.
She lives with me. So, I make sure that if she wants to have a conversation about her daddy, we do. There's no "don't talk about the other parent" rule in my house. She is free to speak of him or call him to talk to him whenever she wants.
At some point, he'll marry someone else, and the only thing I can do is pray that she is willing and able to be on the same page that we are as far as parenting the child that she is now taking part in raising. Obviously, the same goes for him, he doesn't get to choose who I marry, but he can pray that he's a good fit for stepping into the family--I say family because we will be one big family, all connected to the most important person of the entire situation, Kiyah Jae.
So, I guess you could say I'm "pro-co-parenting", if that's a thing. You get the hang of things, you get into a routine and you make it work how it is. Kiyah needed both parents in her life. So, she got it. If you ask her, she'll tell you--"I have 2 houses. One for mommy's house, one for daddy's house, that's fine."
