Toddler Spell

Being a mom is the best thing ever. I genuinely feel so blessed to have been chosen and trusted enough by God to take on this huge, everlasting responsibility.  I know that i was chosen and trusted because when i found out, abortion was on my list of options (judge me, i don't care) and I asked God to clearly show me what i needed to do. He gave me a dream that felt so real and was so clear that I knew from that moment on that I was choosing to accept the blessing He had given me. Although there have been some EXTREMELY low points in my life over the last 3 years, being a mother has always been the piece of me I have felt the most happiness.  In fact, I became a happier person when Kiyah arrived.

Sometimes parenting is hard.  When I say that I don't mean the finances, the broken homes, the boo boo's, the sacrifices--none of that. I mean it in the sense of at 26 years old, I am who I am, I know who I am, I'm comfortable with who I am and at 3 years old my child is figuring out what the hell she is supposed to do every day, who she is, what she likes, what she's allowed to do and how much she can actually get away with whether or not she is aware that I can see her..like when she's hiding under the table putting lip gloss on after I've already told her to clean her toys up at least 5 times.

She goes through these bursts of bad behavior every 2 months or so. I will call them Toddler Spells.  When she is under a Toddler Spell it lasts anywhere from 2 weeks to 1 month and I literally just want to send her to her dad's house until its over.  I don't do it, obviously but I think about it during every corner time she has. Which is at least 7  times a day during this time.

Let me give you a small taste of what happens during a Toddler Spell. If i say "be quiet" because I'm on the phone or because she is just too loud or for any other reason an adult may tell a child to be quiet, she literally talks louder, you guys.  In a typical life, by typical I mean non Toddler Spell life, she has no problem putting her boots on, so long as I place them in front of her correctly so that they are on the correct feet.  Today though, in true Toddler Spell fashion, she had a full blown tantrum and said she couldn't do it.  Has she lost her mind?! I have. I wanted to leave lol. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with the tears, the screaming, the kicking, the weird yelling that occured because I chose not to entertain the tantrum, none of it.  Now, before you fix your mind to think " why don't you be the parent and discipline your child" , I do. Outside of Toddler Spells, she knows what it is. She knows what her behavior should be like, she knows how to put her frikkn boots on, she knows she needs to use her words, and she for the most part knows the consequences to her actions.  Behavior is my thing...like i literally work on behaviors for a living, so that's not the issue. 

I have 2 friends who babysit her from time to time, both in which she absolutely adores, doesn't usually mind if I drop her off and go do whatever it is I need to do, and doesn't cry when I drop her off.  During Toddler Spells ✋ please. She cries her eyes out, makes me feel like the worst parent in the entire world for leaving her, tells me how much she's going to miss me and climbs up my leg because she thinks if I'm holding her I won't leave.  It's ridiculous really.

After every incident during the duration of the Toddler Spell, she apologizes 😂. Today for example, she said "I'm sorry for being a cry baby in the house, you fo-gib me?" Ugh. Well of course I have to forgive her after that lol she just proved my theory that she's under a spell and can't help it lol. We have about another week of this left. But I won't be mad at all if it wears off early.  But I thought it'd only be right if I came here to vent about the not so great times as a parent because I know someone else out there goes through it too.

Closing Out the Year

2014 had its ups & downs for each and every single person I know. I'm happy to start a New Year.  I feel like it gives me a fresh start.  Of course, I will be the same person I was yesterday, and a week from now I will be the same person I was last year, but it does encourage me to set new goals for myself and I think that is important every new month and every new year. 

I hope that your families enjoyed your time with each other this holiday season.  Kiyah and I spent our first Christmas together with just us.  I may have mentioned before that my family lives in another state, so we video chatted while Kiy opened all of her gifts.  I made my first "Christmas Dinner" and a friend came over and had dinner with us.  I am a pretty good cook, and she hasn't stopped talking about the dinner since she ate it so that solidified my thoughts for you doubters out there lol.

I have never been one to want to party too much on NYE--because it feels like a dangerous night to be out on the streets, so I had a small gathering at my place the night before NYE with some friends and it was so much fun.  I think I will make it a yearly thing.  I find as I get older I am looking for ways to create my own traditions for different things and looking forward to owning a house and hosting more events than I do now. 

I also took Kiyah up to the snow with some great friends of mine and (even though I got hurt) had a great time spending time with them and allowing our children to build friendships.  

I feel like 2014 was a year of growth for me.  I have really fallen in love with the woman, mother and person I have become.  My priorities were really put into place, not that they weren't before this, because motherhood was always at the top of my priority list once I stepped into it, but I have really found my place in life this year.  I started working with a company called BeautiControl that has really helped me out and is going to only allow even more blessings to come into my life in 2015 and the years to come.  I have learned the importance of mastering my thoughts as well as being grateful for EVERYTHING I have RIGHT NOW as opposed to whining about the things I don't. I have learned how to balance life out a little better.  I allowed myself to enjoy more things for myself and I plan to do a lot more of that this year.  

I've set some business goals, some family goals, and some personal growth goals for 2015 and this time next year, I will let you know how they went.  I pray this year brings you all an abundance of success, love, happiness, and growth! Happy New Year! 

Here are some pictures from the last couple of days of 2014

Where's Mommy?

From the moment Kiyah was born, I was OBSESSED with taking pictures of her.  I mean for the first month of her life I don't think we left the house, but I always got her dressed just so that I could take pictures.  

Since then, the only thing that has changed is that if we aren't leaving the house, I don't get her dressed..I just snap pictures in whatever jammies she has on.  

The other day we were looking through pictures on my laptop, mostly of her, some of her with her dad, a couple of me and a few of her and I together.  I didn't realize it at the time, but we hardly take pictures together. But at 3 years old..she let it be known that she noticed I was missing in pictures.  Each time she saw one of her and her dad she'd say "that's Kiyah and Daddy."  If she saw herself, she'd say "that's me, where's mommy?" and if she saw one with both of us in it together she'd get so happy that we were in the same picture.  

So that's when I realized, I guess taking pictures WITH her is just as important as taking pictures OF her.  

So, Mom's(& Dad's)..take pictures with your babies!! They will appreciate it when they are older and so will you!

here are some oldies, but goodies!

Let's Play Dress Up

I am SO happy I had a girl! I mean, beyond the attitude I already get, and the attitude I know is coming, having a girl is so much fun. She's such a girly girl and I L O V E it!
The other day she told me she was "the only princess this year".  Fine by me.
She wakes up and puts on whatever her favorite item of the minute, day or week is--and goes to sleep doing the same.  She helps me with things around the house in her faves, plays and relaxes in her faves, and it always has to be her idea of perfect. 

most of these pictures are before 8am..meaning, she woke up, and got dressed immediately haha.

I can't say that I will ever allow her to "dress up" in public, but while we are at home, I am all for her wild imagination.

Co-Parenting

hmm.. this is a real topic for me. & before I start, I'll give you a disclaimer that this could very well be a long post..I didn't actually put any thought what so ever into what I would be writing or just how personal I would get, but today when I was thinking of what I should blog about, this is the topic that kept coming to mind.  So, maybe somebody out there needs to read it.  I can't promise to give you every single detail, but I promise to be honest in the pieces I do give you.  I can only speak for myself, not the other parent, mainly because I don't know what co-parenting means in his mind and partly because I would like to respect our privacy..or his privacy in some way..I don't know. 

Growing up, I always planned to be happily married for 1 year, and then after that happily married and happily mothering.  You know, enjoy being a wife for a while and then enjoy being a wife and a mother for the rest of my life.  Well, things didn't exactly go that way..they actually didn't go that way AT ALL.

When I found out I was pregnant, I just kept thinking "I don't want my child to grow up in a broken home." I wanted what pretty much every parent wants for their child, a stable two-parent home.  I didn't want her to have to travel from house to house or anything that came along with that. I didn't want to drag her through court date drama and the likes of whatever would be attached to that--emotionally, financially, mentally.  We had to make it work, not because we were in love, or because we had spent so much of our time, energy and effort together, in this relationship, but because we were having a child, and that child needed both parents under the same roof.  The problem with that entire thought process is that I failed to be real with myself.  Our relationship was toxic. We didn't need to be together. Although we loved each other with every ounce of love you could give a significant other, we could also hate each other with that same amount.  So why would I EVER want our child to have to deal with our toxicity under one roof?    

At some point, you have to realize the most important person in the whole situation is the child.  Your feelings don't matter, the other parents feelings don't matter.  All that matters is the physical, mental and emotional well being of this child. When I was finally strong enough to understand that, I knew it was actually best that she travel from house to house, it was best that we went to court, it was best that we didn't try to force ourselves to make an already toxic relationship work, especially for the sake of a child.  Ask yourself if you'd rather have a child in therapy every week because her parents are so fucked up that she can't even think straight at home, or a child that can love both of her parents equally, in separate houses a day or two out of the week. We chose the latter.  It means that we get to raise a healthy, happy, emotionally stable young girl into a healthy, happy, emotionally stable, head strong, smart, independent woman. 

It's hard at times--really hard.  So, if you're battling with yourself on the topic, I want you to know that it can get easier.  I can't say that for sure, because every situation is different but I really think that once you both realize that neither of you are as important as the child you are raising, then every relationship/emotional disagreement you have or had won't matter anymore. Eventually, you'll let go, you'll move on, you will release yourself of he weight you were carrying.  Your child will give you that strength.  THAT I know for sure, because my child gave me that strength.  Sometimes I want to punch him in the face, kick him in the balls and stab him in the eye with a pen all at once, and I'm 100% sure he feels the same way about me--or similar since I don't have balls. I complain about him to my mom all the time, I curse him out in my head even more often than that, I send rude text messages from time to time when I feel like he needs to do things differently, or my way, or not at all.  Other times I'm like, damn, we are co-parenting but we have our situation together more than some couples that live together or are married with a child or children.  We argue, we disagree, we parent differently in a lot of situations, but you pick your battles, and you NEVER let your child see, feel, or hear you when there is a disagreement. 

For a very long time we didn't even speak at pick ups and drop offs.  But now, we are able to do a family day here and there because it makes Kiyah happy.  In my opinion it's important that she knows that even though we aren't together, we both love her, we are always going to be her family, and she's blessed to be able to have two parents. In a few years, she will ask questions and understand that her mommy and daddy don't live in the same house like some of her friends' mommy and daddy, so we'll cross that bridge when we get there.  Maybe doing a family day isn't what works for your co-family, but maybe just the ability to be cordial when you are face to face is better than putting a child in an unhealthy home environment.  

She lives with me.  So, I make sure that if she wants to have a conversation about her daddy, we do.  There's no "don't talk about the other parent" rule in my house.  She is free to speak of him or call him to talk to him whenever she wants.  

At some point, he'll marry someone else, and the only thing I can do is pray that she is willing and able to be on the same page that we are as far as parenting the child that she is now taking part in raising. Obviously, the same goes for him, he doesn't get to choose who I marry, but he can pray that he's a good fit for stepping into the family--I say family because we will be one big family, all connected to the most important person of the entire situation, Kiyah Jae. 

So, I guess you could say I'm "pro-co-parenting", if that's a thing.  You get the hang of things, you get into a routine and you make it work how it is.  Kiyah needed both parents in her life.  So, she got it. If you ask her, she'll tell you--"I have 2 houses.  One for mommy's house, one for daddy's house, that's fine."

No Filter

We all know that kids have not a care in the world when it comes to speaking their minds. It's a trait we often lose as we grow into adults, but thinking about my smart mouth, her dad's quick mouth and her own amazing personality..I don't think it's going anywhere for Kiyah.  So, today I learned that the best thing for me to do, is to teach her to do it somewhat appropriately.  

As she's gotten older, she asks more questions about all the observations she makes.  She's always been extremely observant and now that her dictionary is expanding, her observations have come to life. Now, don't expect any advice on how to curve what you will read next because not only do I not have any, I don't even think I'm handling this correctly myself.  Although she tells me I'm the best mommy "ever over the world", I really have no clue what to do in this situation. 

When we go out places, stores, parks, whatever, if she sees something she's not particularly into on another person, she asks me about it...the last two times though, were a little...rude to say the least. 

So let me paint the picture for you for the first time, maybe 2 months ago..we are walking out of the grocery store, she is in the cart, in the front part where kids are supposed to sit, and a man is walking behind me so my sweet little Kiyah POINTS and asks, "mommy why hims teef look like dat?!"  This time, I quickly put her arm down and said stop pointing, be quiet, and made it a point NOT to turn around to look at this mans teeth.  Of course, she touches her teeth and says "But I just asking you why."

So I had a brief talk with her and told her that she can't just point things out on people if she thinks it looks funny or if she doesn't like it.  Moved on from it, because I really just didn't know how to address that to a, at the time, 2 year old. 

Today, we were at the store, having a great time, laughing and joking together as we searched for things we don't need..because that's what happens when you go into Target. I chose a lane and it was a male cashier...makes no difference, his line was shortest.  Well, he was obviously obese but I didn't put two thoughts to it because who I am to judge?  As we roll up to the register Kiyah says, "Why hims look like that?"  She said it in kind of a whisper, so I just quickly whispered back to her, "stop it. Don't start."  He was sweating, profusely, so I was assuming maybe that's what she was referring to because it's not like we are teaching her fat and skinny, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt and thought maybe she didn't even realize his weight and was maybe amused by the sweat.  WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! "Look at hims big ole belly."  Normally, I would correct the hims and tell her to say he, but that was the least of my concern.  I just ignored her guys. I kept paying attention to the stuff being swiped across the counter and ignored her, what the hell else was I supposed to do?! I pushed her away a little, really hoping he wasn't hearing her because she didn't stop there.  Next she said, "and hims little liiiiips"...lips has a lot of I's because she is at this point about to make a list of things that she does not like on this man. & the only thing I knew to do was ignore her, and be extra nice to him while he was ringing me up since my daughter is being the biggest jerk on Earth.  

I felt like such an asshole, but I really didn't know what to do.  I panicked lol, I choked, I dropped the ball, all of that.  I just wasn't prepared, and I probably won't be the next time either.  I still had the talk with her after, and told her that next time if she has something to say to just wait until we get to the car and tell me.  So, when we got to the car she said "I'm sorry mommy.  I'm sorry I said the big ole belly." 

My mom's advice was to tell her "whisper in my ear, so noone else can hear."  Which is great, because it rhymes.  So next time I will try that, but until she gets it..I just have to be the asshole parent, who most people thinks looks too young to be a parent anyway, with the child with no manners.  

I promise she has manners though, she just isn't always sure when to use them :\

3 Year Update.

I know, I know..I haven't blogged in forever. But listen, I'm 26..in the 3 months that I haven't blogged I've experienced depression, extreme happiness, extreme confusion and now I'm back to my normal self.  I guess that's what happens at 26? Hell, I don't know. This is my first time.  But we can talk about that another time, today, let me just update you on little Miss Kiyah Jae.

She just turned 3 and so far I really like this age.  I noticed as we got closer to 3 the conversations we shared "matured" a bit, she wants to be a lot more involved in the decisions regarding her life, she's way more aware of what's going on around her and she's very interested in the who's who and what's what of things that go on in our life. 

Beyond her "maturity" level growing, her level of hilarity has really begun to shine.  It really is fantastic that such a little person can be filled with so much character and personality at such a young age.  

She is quite the storyteller, too.  She told me she had a little brother at her grandma's house (her dad's mom) all while she was telling her dad that I had a baby growing in my tummy and I was getting married.  

Usually when she is telling one of her crazy lies, it includes a tiger or a jungle, and that's how I am able to determine what's real and what's fake. 

She's incredibly smart, able to trace anything you dot out, identifies her letters, numbers and colors and that makes me happy.

I have never met anyone, adults included, more appreciative and grateful than my three year old is for EVERY SINGLE THING anyone gives her or anything they do for her.  It really, really warms my heart that she has that amount of gratitude in her heart, because I know how hard that can be once life gets a hold of you.  I will do all I can to help her stay that way. 

She still gets in trouble a lot, tells me I'm "making her nerves" and huffs and puffs when I tell her to do something, but she's usually pretty remorseful once she gets in the corner lmao and wants to make sure I'm happy with her when she is finally out.

She's a happy girl, I can hear it in her laugh, feel it in her hugs and see it in her smile.  So, even though she is STILL sleeping in my bed and on top of my head (I know, operation sleep in your own bed was an EPIC fail), she is perfect and I love her more each day.

Now that I'm back, I will do my best to keep my blogs consistent again..I do enjoy writing them.